I had a great break through a few days ago which was intense, hard, and wonderful at the same time. I met with a healer last week and we had a powerful session. In the session I had old stuff come up again. I was taking it all in and handling it well until I got home I felt extremely frustrated. I have done so much work on myself over the last 20 years. I had a feeling deep down that I wanted it to be pretty much healed, at least this part of me, but noooooo! I also know the healing process is spiral and I know it’s in layers. This is a core wound with me and another layer. I cried and basically through an internal fit, thinking, not this story again, I am so done with this story, yet, this story is not done with me. I knew the inner truth was unfolding and it was serving my higher good, I just needed to be real with what I was feeling on the outside. Thank God for my fiancé Eric, he let me cry on his shoulders, ran my bath, got me a glass of wine and dark chocolate and sat down with me to talk it out. He is an amazing man!
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”
The next day, I felt better and ready to dig in again. I took it into my meditation, prayers and journaling, and felt myself as a little girl and loved her, loved me. I started to feel more healing was needed for me to live full out in my authentic self, for the next bold steps I’m taking on my journey. I felt I was on the right track and to keep it up, I brought it into my daily morning practices. Wrapping love around me and my experiences, being real with the past, not bypassing my shadows, working with all of me and knowing that who I am today is an accumulation of all my experiences, and I love who I am.
“With a new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
The following day after my meditation was more revealing. I really saw and felt feelings back when I was 7 years old, and understood with all the craziness going on in my life then, I shut down and went inside. I didn’t feel it was safe to be fully me, and I felt I couldn’t be loved for me, so I started to act the way I thought others wanted me to act in order to be accepted and to be loved. I started to make bad experiences not so bad, to deny, justify or even make up a story to make it OK- fairytale kind of stuff. What an imagination at 7, and a denial of me, the authentic me. My healing process/search over these past 20 years has been about finding the real me, finding God, which brings me back to loving me.
“The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
– Steve Maraboli
This opening is a big layer, in allowing me to be fully me, and that is enough… That is amazing!!! I have found more of me over the years, and each time a layer is peeled off I just keep loving me more and life more. It’s not always a cakewalk when I’m in the discover/uncover phase, and what I can say is there is always treasures on the other side. Many say, including myself, that to live this life authentically and on purpose is the work of a warrior. I truly believe that. To be uncompromising, to enter those caves that scares us most, shine light on our shadows, embrace all of who we are, that’s a warrior. It takes great courage, perseverance, tenacity and love.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
– Joseph Campbell
I remember when I started on my spiritual path and I thought to find God would mean I would need to become a righteous person, a holy roller, uptight, and stuffy. That I would lose me. As I continued on my spiritual journey and found the God of my understanding, I found more of me, a deeper sense of me, more love and freedom. As I have continued on this journey over the years, eventually going through ministerial studies with Centers for Spiritual Living and becoming a minister, I have continued to find more of me, the real me. I am incredibly grateful for this wild journey of self discovery and divine love.
“May Light always surround you; Hope Kindle and rebound you. May your Hurts turn to Healing; Your Heart embrace Feeling. My Wounds become Wisdom; Every Kindness a Prism. May Laughter infect you; Your Passion resurrect you. May Goodness inspire your Deepest Desires. Through all that you Reach For, May your arms Never Tire.”
– D. Simone
What’s been pivotal on my path are all the showers, teachings, healers, those that have lived true to their soul’s purpose, spiritual warriors, and those that have supported me. I can’t express this enough. When I feel most stuck in my life is when I don’t reach out. We are all one and we do walk together in this journey, supporting and lifting each other. No one can walk our path for us, that is totally up to us, and yet there is an incredible amount of support if we just reach out. The Universe supports us, and it shows up in so many phenomenal ways when we pay attention.
“Once you make a decision the universe conspires to make it happen.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground.”
– Theodore Roosevelt